Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
