New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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