Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
