Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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