So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
