I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
