I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
why do cheetos always look like penises
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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