So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
