i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
