If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize