someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Everyone says I win the strip club
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize