I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
