i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
