Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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