just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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