I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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