I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize