I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
