Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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