i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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