turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
