Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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