It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
