Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
