Soap is not a condiment
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
