I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
