Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
