I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
