I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
