then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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