I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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