i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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