I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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