Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
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