You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
