apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
