I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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