is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
