just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
