I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
