all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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