the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He called his prostate his "boner button".
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
