I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
