he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
