he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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