We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
