I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
