I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
In other news, I just burned my penis
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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