I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
