Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
