Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize