I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
we're making bets on your personal life
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
