Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
