i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
