i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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