I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
