paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
