Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
accomplished twins. life is a go
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
