Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
