she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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