Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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