At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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