he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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