After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
